Right now my head is inhabiting three very different worlds simultaneously, all coming together in the strangest connected web. That connection tells me that fate is playing a little waiting game with me, a cruel game of keep away. Not cruel in the usual sense. Not a mocking cruelty. More like a cruelty that is teaching me patience, the meaning of following your heart, the meaning of resilience and diligence, the meaning of what it feels like to see it all coming together right in front of you, just out of reach.
World one is the present. I’m here, coasting along. The present is the blank canvas. It’s there, there isn’t much going on, but it is there and ready to burst with potential.
World two is the past. This is the defiant splash of red paint that seeps deep into the canvas and gives it life and breath. It’s all of the little coincidences that is making my world come together and keeps hinting at a future that I am more than ready for. Over the past few weeks, little bits and pieces of life have been reappearing in front of me that eerily connect to things that were happening at the same time last year at this time. An old friend who I had dinner with on the night of a very tender memory contacted me yesterday after I spent all day planning to contact him. Eery fate. A group of customers who used to frequent my cafe, who then ended up being jerks and disappeared, have began reappearing at their little corner table. Weird fate. That late night lonely feeling has crept back in. The kind that can only be quenched with either a Netflix binge accompanied by a late night cheeseburger or staying up rereading the darkly sexy passages of Lolita. Fate is toying with me and watching me squirm. The suspense is killing me, darling fate.
The puzzle pieces are all laid next to each other, they just need a little urging to get them connected in the right way.
World three is the imminent future. It’s destiny and it’s hope. It’s the moment when you step back from the Monet to see the full picture pixelating together before your eyes. It’s the moment you can feel coming in your heart long before your brain gets the memo.
I can feel you in my bones. I feel you in my soul. The wait is long and lonely. I know that the three worlds run on my ability to over think and over analyze. I know these are dangerous and if my ability to over analyze and over think could power the world, we would have an energy overload and no need for fossil fuels. But analysis and deep thought make me feel powerful and dangerous. And feeling dangerous makes me feel you.
It is hard to know our essence when there are so many different, often conflicting things coming together. Beautiful words.
you are freaking PERFECT!
I have a way of always living in the far away future. I imagine how things are going to be and when I get there I'm already years ahead of myself.
perfect. perfect words. perfect post! xo
Have you read much Anais Nin? Your style reminds me of hers, so lyrical and seemingly light yet under the surface lies a darker truth. Beautiful words, once again x
beautiful writing. <3
The Frill Seeker
Wow thank you so so much! This was incredibly kind.
Your writing is excellent, and i know that dangerous line between staying sane and getting completely lost in your own head, I walk it daily. Powerful and dangerous indeed.