I haven’t slept in three days. I feel like I’m driving myself crazy. This situation has been a struggle, as to be expected.
I was talking with my mom about the events I last wrote about. She looked at me sheepishly and said “I hate making this situation about myself but… maybe she passed so that when others pass, she’s there to lead the way. If she’s there waiting to guide them, I’ll be less sad about their loss. Is that horrible? I don’t want this to be about me.”
But we have to process death this way. We can never know the grand reasons, if any, for why people pass from this world. All we can do is make their passing meaningful for ourselves. We process things and internalize events in our own ways. We cope differently and that is beautiful.
Tonight, I talked with my dear friend Dixie, who is also a therapist. I told her that through all this, I have felt like I’ve really learned about myself and my observational focuses. This was a wake up call. It made me get brave. It’s also driven me insane. It’s made me lose sleep and pray and plead for connection. I said that I hated that I was making this situation about my love life and my messy mind. I said that it felt weird, that I wasn’t normal. She said it was completely normal.
For whatever reason, every moment I witnessed of this past weekend was cloaked in connection. I watched my grandfather with my grandmother. I saw her friends saying goodbye. I noticed couples linking hands even through personal hardships. Some situations are bigger than every day fights. Sometimes all you can do is screw the past, move forward, clasp hands and share a heartbeat.
That is what I’ve learned.
I’m sick of feeding off of my own doubts. About myself. About who I love. About things I will never have control over. I want to live my life in love and passionate embraces. I want my late nights to be full of liquid words spilling onto a page and shared discussions about every little thing.
I love who I love. Screw opinions from others. I’m not afraid of second chances. I’m not afraid of him. I’m wary of being caused pain, but I’m done staying awake hour upon hour feeling haunted by fears and doubts.
I’m not afraid of being attached. Acting unfeeling and convincing yourself that you are worthless or a bad person doesn’t make you tough. It makes you a coward. I refuse to be anything but brave. I refuse to pretend my feelings don’t exist.
I want my mind to shut down for a few days, but sadly I’ll never get that wish. But you know what? I can turn those gears into a powerful machine that will move mountains and shatter barriers. I’ll scream at the top of my lungs. I’ll dance my ass off. I’ll cry until I can’t breathe. I’ll feel with every atom I am made of.
Because life is so short. And this world is so beautiful. And love is so pure.
This was all inspired by this song by Marina and the Diamonds. Who is everything. Please listen.
Lady, you have done it again. I'm so proud of you. Is that a weird thing to say. I think you have got it figured out.
"I'm not afraid of being attached. Acting unfeeling and convincing yourself that you are worthless or a bad person doesn't make you tough. It makes you a coward"
this was powerful. thank you for sharing this journey.
"I want my late nights to be full of liquid words spilling onto a page and shared discussions about every little thing."
I said almost the exactly same thing to someone yesterday and unfortunately it went without understanding. Anyway, that's good writing.
You're awesome! And I'm sorry about your Grandmother dear.
i can't stop thinking about a certain someone. i want to reach out, but i know i shouldn't/can't/need more time. it's hard to be alone and listen to my thoughts, but i know, for me, it's the bravest thing i can do right now. it's my moving forward.
I am so sorry for your loss. I was talking with my dad and looking him straight in the eyes when he had a massive heart attack and tied. It sounds awful, and it was, but it gave me some peace in an offbeat way. I knew exactly what happened and got to say goodbye.
About a year or two later I dreamt I called up his old phone number and he answered. I noted my surprise because he was dead. He replied that yes he was. I asked him how it was and he said fine. I told him my sister and I were taking care of mom and all was well. He was glad. Said goodbye and that was pretty much it. I miss him but its okay. I suspect, from your writing, that you will come to terms with your loss too. Be well.