remembrance and morphine

I’m not ready to write him.
Not ready to let him come
back to life.
I don’t want to remember the good.
I don’t want to relive the bad.
If I don’t cry about it soon,
tears will have to start seeping
from every pore
and fall from my lashes like
snowflakes blown off of telephone wires,
buzzing, alive, alone.

I miss the beautiful destruction.
I miss throwing myself onto
hot coals for another human being.
Feeling another’s glowing embers
embedded into my flesh,
eating it away.

But I do not miss any of them.
I don’t miss the first one I loved,
his turquoise smell or loaded kisses.
I don’t miss the second,
his day-old scruff and deceit.
I don’t miss the third,
lovely and loving and lost.

Even though I don’t miss them,
there are some I cannot bring
myself to write.
Still too fresh, still too bright,
still too real and sharp.
The pen has turned into an IV,
and it’s full of remembrance
instead of morphine.

via *