For years- years- I’ve anticipated being able to go back to school. I’ve fought and cried and dreamed and yearned for the day in January of 2014 that I’d be able to get myself onto a campus full of hungry minds and thirsty eyes. I want to sit in classrooms full of students and share ideas and learn until my brain pounds from being overfilled.
Well, the time has come. School starts tomorrow. And I’m so terribly frightened. I’m afraid I won’t find my classes (even though I’ve already been to campus and walked between them just to get the feeling of the path under my feet), I’m afraid people won’t like me, I’m so scared I won’t succeed and all of this planning and hope will be wasted.
What if I’m not good enough? What if I’ve spent all this time thinking I could write and thinking I was intelligent only to be told I’m not good enough or ready for this? I hate so much that anticipation drives the brain into a grave of fear and hesitation. Every semblance of confidence has evaporated and now I’m just so scared of failure and future.
I’m afraid of failure, but I’m afraid of success too. Success means that things have to change. I have to grow up. The thought of actually achieving your dreams is a heavy thought. What if I’m not ready? What if I’m never ready?
I am excited. I think. I’ll be more excited after the first few days are over with and I know for certain I can find my classes in 15 minutes and I know for sure where to park my car. Just have to breathe, right? Everyone has been afraid before, right? Everyone has had first days? Everyone has made it?
Send good thoughts, lovelies. This past year while I’ve been waiting to start school, you have all kept me motivated and going. The support I’ve gotten from all of you has been the biggest blessing. I love you all to the moon and back. Thank you for coming on this journey with me. Thank you for taking a part of my little life in my little corner of the internet. You are all the very best.