I missed him the way you miss Novocain after the dentist; I didn’t miss how numb I felt, how odd my own tongue felt in my mouth. I didn’t miss anticipating when the numbness would end. But I did miss the lack of pain. The ability to chew my cheeks to ribbons without feeling a thing.
There were days where nothing made sense but to lie in bed and let the power of him drown me, covering my head and running down my throat. It was in those chokingly silent moments that I’d feel his hands around my neck and around my chest, pressing the air out of me until I thought I was nothing more than an empty bag of bones waiting for this Frankenstein of a man to spark me with seeming life again.
But that love was a lie, a masquerade I created for myself out of whimsical girlish fantasies and vinegar lies that dripped from his incisors. The blades at the ends of his fingertips cut one time too deep and suddenly the numbness left and I snapped awake. People will tell you that being numb is better than feeling too much. But why would you choose a prison of paralysis when the kingdom of consciousness is trying to welcome you home?
This is so wonderful. Have you thought if doing spoken word? I feel like this piece would really hit home when read out loud. Xxxx
little moon lover
tough one.. to feel or not to feel?…I have that problem, but you probably know that about me already… I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse, to feel everything so freaking much… but then again, if I didn't feel anything, I'm sure I'd be stressed out about it too.. love is such a dangerous drug, isn't it?
I want to return to this kingdom so desperately so desperately. Even if the pain will be the same or worth, I still want to return. All poets are travelers. All poets are fighters. Who give up anything. For this one moment. Risk their lives. Make that one giant mistake. Over and over again.
what lilly said.
you write with meaning, and it ALWAYS means something deeply personal to me.
"vinegar lies". that i like so much. what is worse? feeling too much or not feeling anything? both will drive you crazy i do believe.
'a Frankenstein of a man…'
I know that type very well.