Thoughts

10.30.14

Feeling your mind expand and be molded feels exactly like speeding on an empty city road at midnight. That sense of wild freedom in a place that is usually so full. That feeling of recklessness, that wild and climbing sensation as you pull forward ever faster and faster, screaming with your car, hurtling at 90 miles an hour to a new destination.

It is so scary to grow and learn from people. But connection is such an intense craving in the marrow of our very human bones. Opening yourself, handling your heart to someone and hoping they will cradle it and not stomp it into the floorboards takes so much strength. But God, what a sensation and what a miracle when you finally do it.

I’ve always wanted to be close to my sister. I’ve wanted to be a person who could be having a hard day and immediately think to call her on the phone and complain and cry with her. The kicker is, we are ten years apart and so so different. She’s medical, I’m English lit. She’s Christian, I’m… other. She’s so similar to me that I think I’ve been inventing differences this whole time in hopes that I would stop feeling guilty and disappointed when we weren’t best friends when she came to visit from Texas.

But tonight for the first time we opened up to each other and I finally got to say some of the things I’ve been burying for so so long. I have had no one to tell these words to and it all came spilling out and finally, finally, after years and years I heard the one phrase I have needed from someone in my family. She’s proud of me. She is with me. She sees me. And I am so grateful.

6 Comments

  • Ryan

    There's something to be said for stream of consciousness in writing. It's my style all the time so I'm kind of biased, but when I see others break into it, I see a release, an honesty that you wouldn't otherwise get. Not that your other stuff isn't honest, that's not what I mean. When something is crafted and reworked it's just not raw like this. I like raw, it's real.

    All that to say, this was nice. Right on.

    Reply
  • meg bird

    This is touching. I have to say that I was hooked with the metaphor about speeding at night. Because that is definitely one of the best things ever.

    And also, this makes me so happy. That you were finally able to connect. I never had a sister. Now I have a few in-law that I'm trying to bond with or whatever. But I've always been jealous of that relationship. So good for you.

    Reply
  • D

    i'm so happy for you 🙂

    Reply
  • Nikkiana

    That's wonderful. 🙂

    Reply
  • kayla

    there's a big gap between one of my sisters and i – 7 years… but oddly, she is one human whom i feel closest with. i'm fortunate for that. and i think it is so wonderful you are finally able to experience what it's like… there is very little in this world that is comparable to sisters.

    Reply
  • Ashley

    I'm really glad that you and your sister are getting closer! It's important to have someone you can tell everything to and know they'll be there to always listen and support you 🙂

    Reply

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