Feeling your mind expand and be molded feels exactly like speeding on an empty city road at midnight. That sense of wild freedom in a place that is usually so full. That feeling of recklessness, that wild and climbing sensation as you pull forward ever faster and faster, screaming with your car, hurtling at 90 miles an hour to a new destination.
It is so scary to grow and learn from people. But connection is such an intense craving in the marrow of our very human bones. Opening yourself, handling your heart to someone and hoping they will cradle it and not stomp it into the floorboards takes so much strength. But God, what a sensation and what a miracle when you finally do it.
I’ve always wanted to be close to my sister. I’ve wanted to be a person who could be having a hard day and immediately think to call her on the phone and complain and cry with her. The kicker is, we are ten years apart and so so different. She’s medical, I’m English lit. She’s Christian, I’m… other. She’s so similar to me that I think I’ve been inventing differences this whole time in hopes that I would stop feeling guilty and disappointed when we weren’t best friends when she came to visit from Texas.
But tonight for the first time we opened up to each other and I finally got to say some of the things I’ve been burying for so so long. I have had no one to tell these words to and it all came spilling out and finally, finally, after years and years I heard the one phrase I have needed from someone in my family. She’s proud of me. She is with me. She sees me. And I am so grateful.